Is fear creeping into your life and robbing you of complete satisfaction and fulfillment? 

How do you know? 

I was on the phone with a client in my social work internship. This sweet woman was 70 years old and she needed some assistance in basic areas of her life. She told me she needed help paying for gasoline because her resources were limited and she spent far too much money driving around. I suggested the city transit system, which I knew many clients used regularly because they could obtain passes for free or reduced rates. However, this woman declined this suggestion because she was afraid to use public transportation. 

Now, there is nothing irrational about being cautious concerning the public transportation system in a huge city; however, the part that was fascinating about this woman's story is the reason she was fearful. She went on to explain to me that she was bullied as a young girl. She had experienced some minor medical issued in elementary school that caused her to miss enough school that she had to repeat third grade. In her mind (and it may have been true), she was bullied because of this. This was so painful for her that now, over 60 years later, she was allowing the fear of being bullied again to keep her from taking advantage of a transportation system that could greatly benefit her. 

I was working with her as a social worker and not a life coach, so I had to stay within my lane, but I desperately wanted to help her question her beliefs about being bullied and the pain it caused her. 

Does being bullied cause pain? No!

Our thoughts about being bullied cause pain. The bullying itself--the words--do not cause harm. If someone or some people actually physically hurt us, that may cause pain, but most bullying is meant to harm us emotionally, and we allow it to because of our thoughts about what is said or done. If we don't clean up our thoughts about "the bullying," it can literally stay with us our entire lives and prevent us from being free, from going where we want to go and doing what we want to do. 

In other words, we give away our power. We become slaves to our own thoughts about events, circumstances, and people. 

But we don't have to. We always have a choice. 

It takes consciousness and effort, but with practice, we can empower ourselves to become free of the kind of fear that strips us of our freedoms and our ability to feel peace and joy. Fear is working for us when it reminds us we need to be careful in certain situations; fear is working against us when it keeps us from doing normal things that make life better for us. 

So, is fear your ally right now? If not, check in with your thoughts. Remember they are optional. You've got this, my friend. Go face your fears, and live your best life!

*If you love this content and want to learn more about Lori or sign up for personal coaching, visit www.lorconger.com and book a free sample session. 

 Do you know what you really want out of life? Have you thought about it? What if I asked you to write a list of 50 things you want? Could you do it? It might be harder than you think. Most of us spend more time thinking about things we don't want than things we do want. Maybe it's time to change that.

Start by listing vacations you want to take or places you hope to knock off your bucket list. Write down big dreams and small conveniences. Believe it or not, when we begin to follow our hearts, we begin to live more truthful lives. We begin to understand our purpose and the path we are to take. 

If you don't know what you want, how will you ever get it? Sometimes we get so busy surviving our lives, we forget to consider actually going for what we want. Here's the great part about knowing what we want and striving to create it--it's energizing! It's exciting and motivating. 

Sometimes people think they don't have the time or energy for their dreams, but that's because they are often exhausted fighting themselves, ignoring what they really want to do, participating in a life that doesn't feed their soul. 

Going after what you really want does not deplete you--it adds energy to your live that you never knew you had. Maybe it's time to find out what you really want. If you don't know that yet, why not? What is holding you back? 

Don't be afraid to get started. You don't have to create 50 items today. Just start with one. 

You've got this!

 I grew up playing on a lot of sports teams. At the end of highly competitive games or matches, our coaches would inevitably tell us to, "Play to win," rather than "playing not to lose." Is there a difference? 

Yes!

Playing not to lose involves backing down and showing up with a lack of confidence when it matters most. It's playing tentatively, rather than giving your best because you know you will succeed. It's playing with fear rather than assurance that your game plan is a successful one. 

On the other hand, playing to win is moving forward with confidence, even when mistakes happen. It's trusting your instincts. It's also trusting your teammates because you know it takes all of you to create success. It's sticking to your game plan and not panicking when there's only three seconds left and you need to pull out a last-minute 3-point shot for the win. It's being in control of the game, rather than hoping the other team makes a mistake that ends up in your favor.

Any idea which team usually wins? That's right--the team that plays to win!

Parenting is somewhat like a ball game (isn't everything?). We can play to win, so to speak, or play not to lose. Here's the difference. When we play not to lose, we parent out of fear. We demand things are our way, rather than trusting our children and listening to their input (or even our spouse's). We fear the consequences of the poor choices our kids might make, so we try to control as much of their lives as possible, exacting strict punishment when rules and expectations fall short, rather than using mistakes as valuable learning and growth opportunities. We point out faults often but rarely give praise. We constantly play defense, fearing the outcome allowing our children the freedom to choose and become. 

When we parent out of love, however, we listen wholeheartedly, even--no especially--when our children have fallen short. We ask more questions than we give statements. We include our children in decision-making processes and offer praise often. We encourage problem-solving and allow for mistakes. We apologize often and own our own short-comings, confident this doesn't mean we aren't getting it right. We don't insist things are done our way all the time. We work as a team, rather than a dictatorship. 

When we parent out of fear, we risk damaging the relationship we have with our kids. Instead of feeling like we are on the same team, they feel like we care more about our rules than we do about them as individuals. We jeopardize the chance they will talk to us about their mistakes or struggles because they don't feel they can trust us. In fact, often they struggle to feel the love we have for them is real because we emphasize our fears for them more than our love for them. 

The good news is that we can change. Fear is a real thing, but it doesn't have to be a driving force in the way we parent. We can begin by being honest with ourselves about what our fears concerning our children are. Are they valid? Are they real? What if they happened? What if they didn't? Are we worrying ahead of time about things that may never occur? Is that serving us? What if we trusted our children more? What if we trusted ourselves more? What if we trusted God more? 

These are questions that can help us begin the journey of parenting out of love and parenting to win. If you feel that you are parenting too much out of fear right now, keep trying and don't give up. 

You got this!

It seems like everyone is seeking happiness. I mean, why wouldn't they be?  

So, is it possible to be happy all the time? 

The simple answer is "no." It's not possible or realistic to control our thoughts all the time, which means our brains basically operate on auto-pilot and are prone to thinking a lot of thoughts that don't lead to happy feelings. 

And the truth is, we don't want to be happy all the time. 

What? 

That may sound crazy, but think about it. Don't you want the complete human experience? Don't you want to feel all of the emotions, even the negative ones? If you don't experience difficult feelings, how do you even know what happy ones feel like? How do you ever appreciate them? 

Think about your favorite movies. Why do you like them so much? Is it because you feel the same emotion throughout the entire film? No. It's because the theme and characters lead you through a series of ups and downs, emotional highs and lows. You may be frightened, elated, worried, peaceful, in suspense, heartbroken, and overjoyed, all within the space over only two hours. And it feels so good!

The trick is to simply get good at feeling feelings. Period. 

Happiness is not the absence of unhappiness. It's simply the ability to choose meaning in whatever is happening in the moment, good or bad. It's the capacity to understand that life isn't meant to be roses and sunshine all the time, that hardship and trials can bring as much satisfaction and personal joy as times void of pain. It's the decision to welcome feelings, even the uncomfortable ones, knowing these feelings are harmless and that they are a vital part of the human experience. 

Is it possible to be happy and unhappy at the same time? I'm not sure those two emotions can coexist at the same moment in time, but I do believe we can experience sadness due to loss or deep pain and yet feel a sense of happiness that comes from faith and knowledge of wonderful memories and eternal promises. We don't have to dwell in sadness, even during devastating times. 

So, maybe we can't be happy all the time like some of us would like to be, but we can consciously choose happiness whenever we would like. It just takes practice and a willingness to feel all of our feelings. If you aren't a master at it yet, don't panic. Just keep trying . . . 

You got this!

Want to understand more about how to become happier? Visit loriconger.com and sign up for a free 1-1 sample coaching session with Lori. Your best life can start now.

 We all know what it's like to fail, right?

I mean, every day we experience failure on some level because it's impossible to be perfect. We forget to use our blinker. We drop something. We pick our child up late from school. We leave dinner in the oven too long. 

And yet, we hate even saying the word "failure." It connotes disgust and leaves us feeling like losers. In fact, most of us avoid it ferociously. 

Why? 

I was talking to a client recently who started listing his many recent failures. I asked him if these so-called failures meant he was a failure. At first he wanted to answer affirmatively, but he paused. He wasn't sure how to respond.

He had been creating a story within his mind that some of his actions and inactions were fails. And those fails meant he was a failure. And because he was a failure there was little hope for him or his future. What a terrible story! 

When I began questioning him about the value of failing, things changed. Can there be success without failure? Does a failed attempt at something mean a person is a failure? What even constitutes failure? What if the word failed was changed to learning opportunity? What if we knew that after 200 fails, incredible success would occur--wouldn't we get busy failing? 

I have had times as a mother when I felt like a failure. During those times I created a story in my mind that my actions and/or lack of action in some way meant I was falling short. The story grew so large as my brain kept finding small pieces of evidence it was true that I was sure I had to be one of the worst moms ever. I look back now and realize how silly and wrong I was! 

A fail does not mean I'm a failure. A fail means I am learning. It means I am trying. It means I am in the trenches where I have the opportunity to win. And some days I do win. But the days I don't aren't evidence I'm a failure. They are just evidence I'm still learning. 

Failure is a vital part of growth and success. Failure is inevitable. Failure is proof we are trying. So, if you've failed lately, way to go! 

And if you feel you are failing too often and too much, give yourself grace and keep trying.

You got this!

There are a lot of words to describe women on Mother's Day, but typically "happy" isn't the one most moms admit most accurately fits the bill. A more common one?

Guilty.

Why? Because women can't help but operate under the assumption they should be measuring up to some arbitrary standard that is nearly perfect, one they subconsciously claim other mothers obtain but that seems unreachable for themselves.

Of course this "perfect mother" doesn't actually exist except in our minds, but boy, does she wreak havoc in our lives! We are certain she is real, and we convince ourselves we will never measure up to her. We also like to tell ourselves that most other women do. We are smart enough to know sensibly this isn't true, but we allow our primitive brains to take over and weave all kinds of stories about how "everyone we know" is better at "everything" than we are. 

When Mother's Day rolls around, we'd rather fake sick, pull the covers over our heads, and cry into our pillows all day long than to face our children or our spouses and hear the singsong chant, "Happy Mother's Day," while we collect handmade cards and look into innocent faces that have no idea how much we want to be happy. But we aren't. 

And yet we should be! We have every reason in the world to be elated about motherhood and this day that celebrates us. After all, it's not easy to be a mom. And reality is, our children do adore us, imperfections and all (yep, even our teenagers). 

Can you imagine how wonderful it would feel to wake up on Mother's Day, stretch and yawn and then smile your biggest smile because this is the day that celebrates you and your sacred role as mother? No guilt. No shame. No thoughts about not measuring up. No comparisons with other mothers. No painful reminders about things your mother-in-law may have hinted you should change. No overwhelm. Just sheer satisfaction, contentment, and joy. 

Because you are rocking it! 

You are being you, my friend. You are being the perfect mom, the only mom, you can be for your kids. And that is amazing! What does that mom look like? What does she sound like? What does she smell like? What does she do? You get to decide! Isn't that incredible? 

Does she play with her kids? Does she take time for herself? Does she say sorry when she makes a mistake? Does she google things she doesn't know? Does she laugh at herself? Is she a questioner, a lifelong learner, a seeker of truth? Is she compassionate yet firm? Does she know how to listen, really listen, when her kids need to talk? Is she a late-nigher, an early-morninger? Does she love to cook, to garden, to exercise, to run? Is she more of a snacker, a home body, a yoga girl, and a go-at-my-own-pace kind of lady? 

There is no right or wrong answer to these questions. They are just descriptions, and they don't mean anything. Unless we make them mean something. And if we realize there is one of them we want to change, we can! Not to please someone else, or try to be like someone else, but because we like who we are when we make this change. It feels good! It feels like we are getting closer to being an even better mom than we already are. 

So this Mother's Day, I challenge you to love every minute. Focus on the good you are doing. Live in gratitude for the opportunity you have to be a mother. Enjoy your children. Soak up this day that is so beautifully yours. Just remember you are amazing right now today, and . . . 

You got this!

If you are enjoying the Life--Messy but Perfect blog and would like to hear more from Lori, visit her website at www.loriconger.com where you can sign up for personal coaching and group coaching, too. Thanks for being here!

When was the last time you thought, My kids are so lucky! I'm the perfect mom! 

If it's been a while (or never), why? 

I know what you're thinking. One--it's not nice to brag. And two--I would never say I'm a perfect mom! Am I right? Well, guess what? 

Sometimes it is good to brag. Just a little. Or if you don't like the word brag, how about being willing to give yourself a little credit? Bragging gets a bad rap, and maybe it should, but on the other hand, maybe we need to brag just a little bit more. Not in a "I'm better than everyone else" kind of way, but maybe in a "I'm getting this and it sure feels good" kind of way. 

Now to that word--perfect. Are you now, or have you ever been, a perfectionist about something? I have! Man alive, I was determined to keep a perfect home and have perfect children. Ha! This, of course, meant I had to be the perfect mother. Oh boy! Talk about a miserable way to live. I could not come close to maintaining my standards, and it was discouraging. Motherhood was not very fun during those days.

Then I learned a secret. 

I didn't have to try to be perfect. I already was! 

What?? 

It's true! I was already a perfect mom for my kids. They didn't actually need a perfect woman who never made mistakes and always had an immaculate home. Goodness, no! That's the last thing they needed, or even wanted. They just needed good old me. Flaws and all. Mistakes by the hundreds. Poor posture, missing toenails (now that's a story you have to hear!), messy bun hair daily, emotional, over zealous, one dinner/week (on a good week) ME. 

That's it. 

I couldn't be a more imperfect mother. And yet . . .

I couldn't be more perfect! And I'm so happy about it! I adore my kids, and you know what? I think they adore me. Sure, they get frustrated with me at times and want to pinch my face off, but they know how genuinely I love them. They know I am trying so hard to train and teach and lead and mentor and love them into the most beautiful humans they could possibly become. They know I'm their biggest cheerleader and someone they can talk to about anything. They know I am willing to show them the way forward and have their backs at the same time. 

I'm not perfect at any of these things. Of course not! But I try. Oh, how I try! 

And that is why my imperfect mothering is oh, so perfect! 

And so is yours! 

You got this!

Has anyone ever told you your child is "emotional," and you didn't take it as a compliment? For some reason, being emotional is considered a bad thing. If a child shows too much emotion, the result could be getting labeled as a "crybaby" or a "whiner" or a "wimp." The child might begin to feel it's necessary to hide emotions to please others. 

I think most of us have at least one child who tends to be more emotional than the rest. And that child can take up a lot of parenting energy (bless his/her heart!). If we aren't careful, we might start to label this child as being "too emotional." Or we may overreact to this child because it can take more self-control when one person's emotions are high. Or maybe even worst of all, we may start to ignore this child altogether, just so we can have some breathing room. But here's the truth about our children (and ourselves) and emotions. They are harmless. They are just vibrations in the body, and they won't hurt anyone. 

Yes, some children are more sensitive to their own feelings and the feelings of others. Is this good? Is it bad? Well, it's neither good nor bad. It just is. It means they might display emotions more openly (and yes, perhaps a bit more dramatically); it means they may have to share a lot of details about a very normal day; it means they may get overwhelmed a bit easier than less emotional children; and it may mean it takes them a bit longer to move on from emotionally-challenged events. But here's the good news. Those same children love deep and hard. They are empathetic to a fault. They are considerate and are often the ones who choose careers that provide them constant opportunities to help others. So while their emotions can often feel loud and exhausting, those same emotions are actually creating beautiful humans. 

So, if you have an extra emotional child or two, look for those benefits that come with the emotion. Help them channel it in positive ways. Be sure to manage your own emotions. And enjoy watching them as they use their extra big hearts in meaningful ways. It might take some practice, but don't worry . . .

You got this!

 Today everything just feels heavy. I'm sitting at my computer, battling the incessant urge to collapse on the floor and do the superman stretch, extending every tired muscle as far as it will go for as long as I want. Followed by the call to simply curl up in the fetal position and close my tired eyes, breathing slowly and deeply until my body has surrendered to complete peace and rest. It sounds wonderful to forget about everything on my to-do list today and pretend I have no responsibilities at all. Yes, a part of me wants to just give in.

And yet . . .

Here I am, plucking away at the computer instead. 

Why?

Because as much as giving in sounds good right now, tomorrow, or the next day or the next, I will feel the repercussions. I will have to pay the price. And that price is greater than what I pay now. Inflation is a real thing, my friends. Am I right?

Don't get me wrong. There are times when we need a pause. There are days when we need to take our foot off the gas a little and ease up on the pace we have been keeping. It's important to keep our eyes on the speedometer so we can be sure the speed in which we are moving forward is within safe limits, adjusting as necessary. However, taking constant pit stops does not get us to our destination. 

Sometimes small breaks turn into big detours because it can be difficult to get up to speed again. So what do you do when you've been rather busy and you feel like collapsing on the floor? Here are a few suggestions:

1-Manage your mind (Ok, you probably knew that was coming). The truth is, as I sat here, dreaming of the floor rescuing me from all of my responsibilities, I realized my thoughts were starting to lead me down a path of self destruction. They were creating a story that was all kinds of discouraging and tired. And I was believing every bit of this story! Until I decided not to. Suddenly, I was empowered to change the plot. So can you. One of my favorite thoughts to try on is, "How can this be fun?" Sometimes my initial reaction is that it can't. But then I decide to get a little creative, and suddenly, my brain figures out all kinds of ways even the most difficult, boring work can be fun. Try it!

2-Find your currency and use it to your advantage. What excites you? What motivates you? What causes that dopamine rush for you? What is a reward you can look forward to that won't sabotage your health in any way? For me, I love the feeling of being "done." When I feel I have finished what I set out to do for the day, that's a huge rush for me. I crave that feeling, and it motivates me to keep working until I can feel it. When I am finished, I get to spend my time doing whatever I want. I get to go on a walk and listen to one of my favorite podcasts. I get to watch a show or play a game with one of my kids. I get to sit down and just listen to them tell me about their day. I love it! Nothing is weighing on me because I am done! Being done is my currency. What is yours? Find it and use it as a motivator to keep working during challenging times. 

3-Take some baby steps. Maybe today you won't make it from California to New York. That's Ok. Who says you have to? What if you just made it from Las Angeles to Las Vegas? That's progress! When your work feels overwhelming, start with a short list of easy steps. Maybe you need to clean your entire house and it's a disaster. Start with 1-take out the kitchen garbage, 2-make your bed, 3-pick the couch cushions up. Now, is the entire house gleaming? No. But you got started. And an amazing thing happens in our brains when we start moving in the right direction and we achieve success. Our brains like that! They want more of it. It's very common for a person in motion to stay in motion. It's something called momentum, and it's kinda like magic. I'm willing to bet if you did those three simple jobs, you would keep going. You wouldn't stop with picking up the couch pillows. But hey, what if you did? What would happen? Nothing! The cleaning police would not come and take you to jail. You would just have to trip over the couch pillows until you decided to pick them up. And maybe by the time you decided to clean the house, it would be even messier. Inflation, remember? But that brings me to the next point . . .

4-Remember, you get to choose. There is so much power in remembering these three words, "I can choose." Am I right? Sometimes we get bogged down simply by feeling we have to do certain things. I have to clean the house. I have to pick up the couch pillows. I have to go to work today. I have to go to the PTA meeting. Everyone is counting on me. Let me tell you something--

YOU DONT HAVE TO!

You get to choose. What will happen if you don't go to work? You might have to take a sick day, or a vacation day. If you kept not going to work, maybe you would get fired and might need to find a new job. But you can choose to not go to work. You just get what comes with that choice. You don't have to go to the PTA meeting. What if you didn't go? Would the PTA fall to pieces? Or would they figure things out? I'm sure you are an amazing contributor to the PTA, but it's likely the other members would be just fine if you don't go. People are resourceful. 

Are you catching on? Doesn't it feel a bit freeing to remember you get to choose? The thing is, when we give ourselves permission to choose, we usually realize we want to choose the very thing we thought we wanted to escape from just a minute ago. Our mind is tricky that way. It doesn't like to feel trapped. It doesn't like to feel like it has no choice. But when it realizes it gets to choose, suddenly it likes the exact thing it's choosing! 

Maybe. And if not, you just realized you might need to make a change, and that's good to know. 

So the next time you feel like forgetting about everything you need to do and collapsing on the floor in a heap, keep in mind these few tips, and remember . . .

You Got This!

 So, this past week I made a mistake. 

Like, a BIG mistake. 

And when I realized what I had done, I was suddenly overcome with negative emotion. My face felt flushed and hot. I had a huge pit in my stomach and felt sick. My heart started racing. A headache started coming on. Fight/Flight/Flee kicked in big-time, and I definitely wanted to flee! Or maybe it was hide. Under my bed. And never come out.

If I were to sum up my feelings in two words, they would be stupid and embarrassed--two emotions I absolutely hate to feel! 

I could sense things were spiraling out of control very quickly.

And then I realized something. 

Things didn't have to spiral out of control. I didn't have to allow this mistake to ruin our lives, or our peace, or even my day. Yes, I may have been foolish and unknowingly allowed a hacker to have access to my computer (and every device we own) and our bank accounts (yep--I told you it was a BIG mistake), causing us a bit of panic and a whole lot of work to scurry about trying to get everything secure again, BUT that didn't mean I had to spend the entire day, or even another minute, ruminating about it. 

Of course my immediate reaction was for my thoughts to run wild with this kind of ridiculous dialogue: "You're so stupid!" "How could you have let this happen?" "Only a really dumb person would have been fooled by this hacker." "You should have known better." "There were so many signs that something wasn't quite right!" And my favorite of all--one simple word. "Idiot!" 

Why does our brain love to run rampant with such negative self-talk when we make mistakes? As if the natural consequences of our blunders aren't enough, our brain gets busy by metaphorically pouring acid into our wounds by creating thoughts that confirm to ourselves just how flawed we really are. But you know what?

 It doesn't have to be that way.

In the midst of the chaos going on once I realized what had happened, I took a moment to just pause. I decided to stop the chatter that was determined to tell me how stupid I was and weigh me down with even more stress than we were already dealing with. I decided I didn't want to give the situation any more power than I already had. So, I squared my shoulders, took a deep breath, and decided what thoughts I wanted to think. And they went something like this: "Everyone makes mistakes." "This could have been worse." "I'm glad I realized this when I did because this is fixable." "This might help our family in the end because we are making changes that help us be more secure." "I am learning a lot from this experience, and learning from mistakes feels good."

Suddenly, I felt calm. I knew things would be OK. Instead of beating myself up, I got to work helping to find a solution to our problems. By the end of the day, my computer was at a specialist getting the bugs fixed, our bank accounts were under control, and I could even chuckle (a little) at my naive mistake. 

A very wise woman once said that when problems occur, she prefers laughing over crying because crying gives her a headache. Ha! The trick to it all is being conscious of our thoughts. Man, those things just want to sabotage us at times! They want to take away our power and contribute to our mess. But they don't have to. Instead, we can use our thoughts to turn things around, to feel what we truly want to feel and to show up in ways that serve us. 

So, the moral of this story is, if you ever allow a hacker to take over your personal computer, bank accounts, and life, remember that you don't have to let him take over your thoughts and feelings, too! Ha! Seriously though, whatever it is that might cause unwanted thoughts and feelings to rush in, be aware that you can keep all of your power. You simply have to decide what thoughts to keep and what thoughts to let go of.

And if you're not good at it yet, don't panic. Just keep trying.