Don't you love it when someone tells you how to do your job? Like, how to parent? Or maybe how to discipline your kiddos? Or how to effectively cook your noodles for spaghetti? Or maybe just how to dress more fashionably? 

Oh, this person can be super subtle as she ever-so-tactfully tells you how you should be doing it.  

Ha! (The phrase "passive aggressive" seems more fitting--am I right?)

The truth is, we can all learn something from other people. In fact, I LOVE learning from others. They are so full of wisdom and tips and life hacks! I am inspired every day by the people around me, and I am grateful for that. I'm especially thankful when I feel like I am in a bit of a funk and I gain a bit of innovation from someone else because, goodness, I need it! 

But there can be times when people seem to be a little too helpful. You know what I mean. The friend that always wants to tell you how your form is a bit off when you are exercising together at the gym. The sister-in-law who can't help but mention that your kiddo must dress herself because her clothes are always mismatched. The playgroup mom who makes regular comments about how you need to watch your child more closely and teach better manners. 

While these well-meaning people might be trying to be helpful, sometimes we can find ourselves wondering how to process their consistent life "tips." After all, if we aren't careful, we may find ourselves being the passive aggressive one! While it's true that nobody can actually make us feel small or angry or anything else, it's also true that we are human, and comments like these from people close to us can seem exhausting. So, here's a little tip.

Whether you actually say this out loud or just in your head, I find this one little (kinda quirky) word to be super helpful to me. Are you ready? Here it is:

Bummer!

Wait, I know what you're thinking. That is weird! How on earth does that word help me? Stay with me here. 

Imagine this. Your friend tells you that you need to watch your child more closely and teach him better manners. Your immediate reaction might be to think that this friend should probably worry more about her own child than yours, but instead you think . . . 

Bummer that she doesn't know how good I am at watching my child! Bummer that she doesn't understand how much we work on manners in our home. Oh well!

Now, maybe that word feels a little strange to you. If so, choose one that feels right to you. The idea is to give yourself permission to shrug off the comment because you are already doing your best. And if your friend, or your sister, or your mother-in-law, or your neighbor's brother's wife doesn't get that, bummer! That's ok. They don't need to get it. Too bad for them that they don't understand how awesome you are. Too bad for them that they don't understand that you have things under control, even if it looks different than how they would do it. Too bad for them that they feel they need to tell you another way to do things. 

The great thing about this reaction is that it not only validates you, it also gives you permission to immediately let go of any negative feelings that might develop about the other person, feelings that likely won't serve you. "Bummer" is such a neutral word. Allowing yourself to think that the other person must simply not get it provides you with the opportunity to stay neutral, without having to suffer through whatever negative emotions that want to creep in and steal your joy. You won't need to spend any time being hurt or bitter. You won't have to ruminate about what they said. You can remain free because you've shrugged it off, realizing they simply don't get the fact that you are doing "it" right for you. 

So, bummer for them, right?

If this is not natural for you right now, practice it. The next time someone gives you unsolicited advice, simply think, Bummer! They just don't get how amazing I am! See how it goes. If it feels right to you, practice some more. While it might take a while to get it down, don't give up.

You've got this!

 Ever feel like you're stuck in a big, huge rut and there's just no way out? 

Yes.

Like, every day.

Right?

Sometimes we get so used to filling our brain with the same thoughts that it doesn't remember how to think anything else. Thoughts like . . . 

"This is hard."

"I don't know."

"I hate this."

"This will never change."

"Ugh!"

We want a different result, but we are sure it isn't possible. And the truth is, with thoughts like that, we are right! Those thoughts lead to feelings like . . . 

Inadequacy.

Helplessness.

Frustration.

Hopelessness.

Overwhelm.

But what if it could be different? What if you could feel something like . . .

Excited.

Hopeful.

Motivated.

Happy.

Content.

YOU CAN! 

I know what you're thinking. "It's not that simple." And you're right. Kind of. But honestly, it actually is. Kind of.

Our thoughts are actually that powerful! 

The problem is we get stuck in a rut, allowing thoughts that lead to feelings that don't really serve us. We end up blaming our circumstances, or our mother-in-law, or our nosy neighbor, or maybe our 2-year-old, for the lousy way we feel. But here's a little secret: 

They aren't the problem (darn it!)

Here's a little challenge for you for the next few days. Every time your brain wants to tell you that something seems hard, or that you don't know what to do, or that you simply don't want to do that thing you need to do, replace your thought with this:

How could this be FUN?

Doesn't fun sound, well, fun? 

The thing is, when you get busy telling your brain to pivot to a word like fun, when you get curious about what you have ahead of you and you give your brain permission to problem-solve and find a way to make something fun, your brain gets to work being creative. It stops operating from that auto-pilot, primitive mode, and it gets busy creating answers to your question in that logical, thinking part of your brain. Suddenly, you realize that this thing you were dreading could be fun! 

Because you can make it fun! You are creative! You are fun! You are the person who can make the dreariest thing--that's right--fun! 

So, stop reading and get to it! 

You've got this!

 I recently met with a client who wanted desperately to improve his relationship with his 16-year-old son. He described their relationship as "challenging." Can you relate? 

Not long ago I was in the hallway at church after our Sunday meetings, chatting casually for a few minutes with a couple of men as we waited to gather our children from their prospective classes. Somehow we landed on the topic of teenagers. Two of us had teens, and one of us didn't. The one whose family consisted only of younger children mentioned he was terrified of the teenage years, saying that parenthood was already challenging enough; he couldn't imagine trying to navigate through the adolescent years. I think this is a common fear for many parents.

And then they actually have teens. 

And it's wonderful.

And not-so-wonderful.

All at the same time.

So, how does one improve that connection with their child? Let me ask you this? What is the prevailing feeling that accompanies your child's name? Joy? Peace? Excitement? Contentment? Or is it maybe discouragement? Contempt? Frustration? Maybe even anger?

Now for the hard question: What is the sentence you most often say in your mind when you think of your teen(s)? Is it about their unkempt bedroom? Is it about their lack of effort or their low grades? Does it have something to do with their inability to meet your standards in some way? 

If so, don't worry. You're perfectly normal. Be gentle with yourself as you discover the reality of your thoughts and feelings. Don't judge them (this is the hard part, guys). Just be curious about them. Why is this your sentence? Why do you feel this way most of the time? 

That WHY question can be very powerful!

When you think you may have figured that out, it's time to ask yourself how you want to feel. If you want to be "more connected," how would your mental sentence need to change? What might get you closer to where you want to be? Sometimes it's a pretty big jump to think of going where you are now to where you want to be, but you can think of the rungs on a ladder and just take that next step. Maybe you can't jump right to love and understanding, but what if you could lean into compassion just a little bit? Compassion for yourself, and compassion for your teen? What then? How does that change things?

The truth is that connections really is possible! And it starts with you. It's not complicated, but it does take mindfulness. And the willingness to fail and then fail again and just keep trying. That is the path to success--for you and your teen. 

Will it be easy? Probably not. But hey, you already knew that. So don't worry . . .keep trying. 

You got this!

 I don't know about you, but sometimes I just feel TIRED. Life feels HEAVY. 

I talked with a client yesterday who described her life with those two words. I could relate. As she shared her thoughts, I felt a connection with her about the mama love she was feeling for her daughter, whom she desperately wanted to help. She was wearing herself out trying to overcompensate for the love she was certain her daughter was not receiving in her marriage. This dear woman was trying to do the job of loving her daughter for everybody she didn't think was doing it sufficiently, just to be sure her daughter was being loved enough. 

That is EXHAUSTING! 

I don't think it's even possible. 

No wonder she felt WEARY. 

The thing is, this wonderful mother, a woman who loves hard and deep and wide, held the perfect amount of love already for her daughter. And that's enough. Job done. Because she can't love her daughter for her daughter--that's her daughter's job. And she can't love her daughter for her daughter's husband--that's his job. No matter how much she wants to, the only person she can love her daughter for is herself. But the good news is, that's all her daughter needs her to do! 

It's more than enough! 

And recognizing that is wonderful because this beautiful mother realized she has plenty to be happy about when it comes to her daughter. Her thoughts turned from sad ones, to HAPPY ones. While the circumstances didn't change, her thoughts about the circumstances did, and suddenly her heart didn't feel so heavy any more. She felt something she hadn't felt in a while, something like HOPE. Something like RELIEF. Something like REST from the incessant worry. 

As mothers, we do tend to worry. We do love hard. We want to protect our children and to assure they are engulfed in constant, effulgent love, love that will see them through the hard times. But what if we taught them to love themselves instead? What if we empowered them to hold enough love inside for themselves so that they are never lacking? Now, THAT is mama love! 

And you can do it. Start now. We will keep talking about how, and until then--don't you worry. 

You've got this!