What do you do when life does not go as planned? 

I'm not talking about small misfortunes, like when it rains on a day you hoped to have a picnic. Or when you thought you would graduate from college in four years, and instead it took five. Or when you hoped to have one last baby, and you ended up with twins. 

No. I'm talking about those things that literally knock the wind out of you. Things like big moves at crucial times. Things like children going astray. Things like extended unemployment and natural disasters. Things like unexpected illnesses and death. 

Not that you should rate the experiences you have. And who decides what is "hard" and what isn't? What is a "10" on the difficulty scale to one person might only be a "5" on another. Right? 

But you know what I mean. Let's say life comes along and really guts you. Then what? 

This week a newspaper article came out about two high school football coaches in a tiny Wyoming town who retired in 2021. They were best friends since kindergarten and ended up coaching football together for many years. Their win/loss record is incredible, and so is the program they built. But I don't share this story to talk about football or even friendship (although it is a good one about both); I share it because one of the coaches was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in his early forties. 

A gut twist he didn't plan for. 

This tall, strong, athletic man had been a great athlete and competitor. Now he knew his days of playing sports were over, and his coaching days were going to be limited as well. He had just been diagnosed with a disease that attacks muscles. 

What now? 

I think for  most of us, the first question we ask is, "Why? Why me? Why now?" But here's a better question:

"How? How is this happening for me? How can this be the best thing for me and my future? How can this be exactly what I need? How can this propel me toward my most important goals?" 

We often think of life as happening to us. When we ask the question how, we shift to recognizing life is happening for us. 

Suddenly our myopic view shifts. Our brain gets busy figuring out how this major life twist could be good, or at least how we could learn from it. Our thoughts change from those that lead us down the victim path to those that lead us down the road of empowerment. We recognize that life is not out of control. We get to choose at any moment how we respond to the circumstances that occur. 

And THAT is true freedom! 

Maybe everything wasn't in the original plan. But as you figure out how even the hardest detours can be happening for you, you begin to see that the revised plan is as good as ever! 

So when life throws you curve balls that you didn't ask for, don't give up. Remember to ask "how?" instead of "why?" and see what happens.

You got this!

P.S. What happened to that football coach who was diagnosed with MS? Since he just happens to be my dad, I have the inside scoop. He coached with his best friend for 41 years, and when they finally retired, the town named the football field after both of them. Now he spends his time being of service to his family every day. And he is as happy as can be, even though he can hardly walk and knows that a wheelchair is in his near future. Life didn't turn out exactly how he planned--it's even better!

 Have you ever been accused of being dramatic or emotional? I certainly have. As if showing emotion is bad. I mean, who made that rule? 

Recently I gave a mini-presentation on fear to a large family consisting of children and adults, ages 10 to 79. During the course of the address, I mentioned how important it is to allow ourselves to feel every emotion, even fear. I explained how sometimes we as human beings decide it's "bad" or "weak" or something to feel negative emotion, such as anger or sadness or disappointment or fear. But reality is, we are here on this planet to encounter as much of the human experience as we possibly can, and that includes every single emotion there is. 

Yep, even fear. 

What's great about feeling negative emotion is that it makes feeling positive emotion even that much sweeter! If I don't understand what it's like to feel painful emotion, how can I really appreciate and understand the blissful, peaceful, overwhelming feeling of joy? But I think there's even more to it than that. I think negative emotion builds resilience inside of us. And we long for that. We yearn for growth. And somehow our brains know that.

But back to my story.

After my presentation, one of the adult men pulled me aside to thank me for what I shared. Then an interesting thing happened. He became emotional (Yes--a guy! Ha!). The truth is, he was so emotional he couldn't speak for a few moments. That's when he told me that the piece of what I shared that really struck him was the part about it being OK to feel fear, that in fact, it's something we even want to do because it's part of the human experience. I don't know why that was so important to him, but isn't it such a great thing to know? 

We can feel our feelings. Every single one of them. In fact, we need to feel our feelings. It's not "bad" to be emotional. Our natural response is to avoid, resist, or react to negative feelings, but what would happen if we didn't? What would happen if we simply allowed them and felt them? 

We would be OK. 

In fact, we would be better than OK. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to avoid our feelings, to react to them, to resist them. But allowing them? Not so much. Then we can use that curiosity we love to utilize to ask ourselves why we feel that way. And before we know it, we've discovered a whole lot about ourselves, and instead of feeling spent, we feel energized, motivated, and empowered. 

So, when faced with the choice to feel or not to feel, the answer my friend is this . . . 

Just do it! You've got this! 

 There is such power in curiosity! 

Unfortunately, we override it with judgment far too often. We assign value to situations and people, rather than simply being curious about them. Why is curiosity such a powerful tool? 

Because it is benign. 

It begets wonder. 

And wonder begets learning and self-discovery. 

And believe it or not, researchers claim that self-discovery is one of the traits the most successful people possess. 

Wonder how to wonder? Ha! 

Here are some examples:

I wonder what would happen if I took a moment to think before I spoke to my husband about being late.

I wonder what it would be like to refrain from sugar for one week (or even just one day).

I wonder how it would feel to go a whole day without gossiping.

I wonder how my relationship with my teenager would change if I praised more than I corrected. 

I wonder what it would be like to practice self-care every day. 

Are you catching on? 

Can you begin to see the value of curiosity, the absolute magic of wonder? I invite you to try this simple, amazing tool in your life. Practice the gift of wonder. Be curious about your thoughts, words, and actions. Wonder about them. 

Hmm . . . I wonder why I feel so hurt when my daughter doesn't want to run errands with me. Dig deeper. Be curious. Is it because I think it means something more? Am I afraid my relationship with my daughter is slipping? Do I resist time alone? What is really going on here?

It's amazing what you will discover about yourself when you are willing to be curious! So, get wondering! 

You've got this! 

Is fear creeping into your life and robbing you of complete satisfaction and fulfillment? 

How do you know? 

I was on the phone with a client in my social work internship. This sweet woman was 70 years old and she needed some assistance in basic areas of her life. She told me she needed help paying for gasoline because her resources were limited and she spent far too much money driving around. I suggested the city transit system, which I knew many clients used regularly because they could obtain passes for free or reduced rates. However, this woman declined this suggestion because she was afraid to use public transportation. 

Now, there is nothing irrational about being cautious concerning the public transportation system in a huge city; however, the part that was fascinating about this woman's story is the reason she was fearful. She went on to explain to me that she was bullied as a young girl. She had experienced some minor medical issued in elementary school that caused her to miss enough school that she had to repeat third grade. In her mind (and it may have been true), she was bullied because of this. This was so painful for her that now, over 60 years later, she was allowing the fear of being bullied again to keep her from taking advantage of a transportation system that could greatly benefit her. 

I was working with her as a social worker and not a life coach, so I had to stay within my lane, but I desperately wanted to help her question her beliefs about being bullied and the pain it caused her. 

Does being bullied cause pain? No!

Our thoughts about being bullied cause pain. The bullying itself--the words--do not cause harm. If someone or some people actually physically hurt us, that may cause pain, but most bullying is meant to harm us emotionally, and we allow it to because of our thoughts about what is said or done. If we don't clean up our thoughts about "the bullying," it can literally stay with us our entire lives and prevent us from being free, from going where we want to go and doing what we want to do. 

In other words, we give away our power. We become slaves to our own thoughts about events, circumstances, and people. 

But we don't have to. We always have a choice. 

It takes consciousness and effort, but with practice, we can empower ourselves to become free of the kind of fear that strips us of our freedoms and our ability to feel peace and joy. Fear is working for us when it reminds us we need to be careful in certain situations; fear is working against us when it keeps us from doing normal things that make life better for us. 

So, is fear your ally right now? If not, check in with your thoughts. Remember they are optional. You've got this, my friend. Go face your fears, and live your best life!

*If you love this content and want to learn more about Lori or sign up for personal coaching, visit www.lorconger.com and book a free sample session. 

 Do you know what you really want out of life? Have you thought about it? What if I asked you to write a list of 50 things you want? Could you do it? It might be harder than you think. Most of us spend more time thinking about things we don't want than things we do want. Maybe it's time to change that.

Start by listing vacations you want to take or places you hope to knock off your bucket list. Write down big dreams and small conveniences. Believe it or not, when we begin to follow our hearts, we begin to live more truthful lives. We begin to understand our purpose and the path we are to take. 

If you don't know what you want, how will you ever get it? Sometimes we get so busy surviving our lives, we forget to consider actually going for what we want. Here's the great part about knowing what we want and striving to create it--it's energizing! It's exciting and motivating. 

Sometimes people think they don't have the time or energy for their dreams, but that's because they are often exhausted fighting themselves, ignoring what they really want to do, participating in a life that doesn't feed their soul. 

Going after what you really want does not deplete you--it adds energy to your live that you never knew you had. Maybe it's time to find out what you really want. If you don't know that yet, why not? What is holding you back? 

Don't be afraid to get started. You don't have to create 50 items today. Just start with one. 

You've got this!

 I grew up playing on a lot of sports teams. At the end of highly competitive games or matches, our coaches would inevitably tell us to, "Play to win," rather than "playing not to lose." Is there a difference? 

Yes!

Playing not to lose involves backing down and showing up with a lack of confidence when it matters most. It's playing tentatively, rather than giving your best because you know you will succeed. It's playing with fear rather than assurance that your game plan is a successful one. 

On the other hand, playing to win is moving forward with confidence, even when mistakes happen. It's trusting your instincts. It's also trusting your teammates because you know it takes all of you to create success. It's sticking to your game plan and not panicking when there's only three seconds left and you need to pull out a last-minute 3-point shot for the win. It's being in control of the game, rather than hoping the other team makes a mistake that ends up in your favor.

Any idea which team usually wins? That's right--the team that plays to win!

Parenting is somewhat like a ball game (isn't everything?). We can play to win, so to speak, or play not to lose. Here's the difference. When we play not to lose, we parent out of fear. We demand things are our way, rather than trusting our children and listening to their input (or even our spouse's). We fear the consequences of the poor choices our kids might make, so we try to control as much of their lives as possible, exacting strict punishment when rules and expectations fall short, rather than using mistakes as valuable learning and growth opportunities. We point out faults often but rarely give praise. We constantly play defense, fearing the outcome allowing our children the freedom to choose and become. 

When we parent out of love, however, we listen wholeheartedly, even--no especially--when our children have fallen short. We ask more questions than we give statements. We include our children in decision-making processes and offer praise often. We encourage problem-solving and allow for mistakes. We apologize often and own our own short-comings, confident this doesn't mean we aren't getting it right. We don't insist things are done our way all the time. We work as a team, rather than a dictatorship. 

When we parent out of fear, we risk damaging the relationship we have with our kids. Instead of feeling like we are on the same team, they feel like we care more about our rules than we do about them as individuals. We jeopardize the chance they will talk to us about their mistakes or struggles because they don't feel they can trust us. In fact, often they struggle to feel the love we have for them is real because we emphasize our fears for them more than our love for them. 

The good news is that we can change. Fear is a real thing, but it doesn't have to be a driving force in the way we parent. We can begin by being honest with ourselves about what our fears concerning our children are. Are they valid? Are they real? What if they happened? What if they didn't? Are we worrying ahead of time about things that may never occur? Is that serving us? What if we trusted our children more? What if we trusted ourselves more? What if we trusted God more? 

These are questions that can help us begin the journey of parenting out of love and parenting to win. If you feel that you are parenting too much out of fear right now, keep trying and don't give up. 

You got this!

It seems like everyone is seeking happiness. I mean, why wouldn't they be?  

So, is it possible to be happy all the time? 

The simple answer is "no." It's not possible or realistic to control our thoughts all the time, which means our brains basically operate on auto-pilot and are prone to thinking a lot of thoughts that don't lead to happy feelings. 

And the truth is, we don't want to be happy all the time. 

What? 

That may sound crazy, but think about it. Don't you want the complete human experience? Don't you want to feel all of the emotions, even the negative ones? If you don't experience difficult feelings, how do you even know what happy ones feel like? How do you ever appreciate them? 

Think about your favorite movies. Why do you like them so much? Is it because you feel the same emotion throughout the entire film? No. It's because the theme and characters lead you through a series of ups and downs, emotional highs and lows. You may be frightened, elated, worried, peaceful, in suspense, heartbroken, and overjoyed, all within the space over only two hours. And it feels so good!

The trick is to simply get good at feeling feelings. Period. 

Happiness is not the absence of unhappiness. It's simply the ability to choose meaning in whatever is happening in the moment, good or bad. It's the capacity to understand that life isn't meant to be roses and sunshine all the time, that hardship and trials can bring as much satisfaction and personal joy as times void of pain. It's the decision to welcome feelings, even the uncomfortable ones, knowing these feelings are harmless and that they are a vital part of the human experience. 

Is it possible to be happy and unhappy at the same time? I'm not sure those two emotions can coexist at the same moment in time, but I do believe we can experience sadness due to loss or deep pain and yet feel a sense of happiness that comes from faith and knowledge of wonderful memories and eternal promises. We don't have to dwell in sadness, even during devastating times. 

So, maybe we can't be happy all the time like some of us would like to be, but we can consciously choose happiness whenever we would like. It just takes practice and a willingness to feel all of our feelings. If you aren't a master at it yet, don't panic. Just keep trying . . . 

You got this!

Want to understand more about how to become happier? Visit loriconger.com and sign up for a free 1-1 sample coaching session with Lori. Your best life can start now.

 We all know what it's like to fail, right?

I mean, every day we experience failure on some level because it's impossible to be perfect. We forget to use our blinker. We drop something. We pick our child up late from school. We leave dinner in the oven too long. 

And yet, we hate even saying the word "failure." It connotes disgust and leaves us feeling like losers. In fact, most of us avoid it ferociously. 

Why? 

I was talking to a client recently who started listing his many recent failures. I asked him if these so-called failures meant he was a failure. At first he wanted to answer affirmatively, but he paused. He wasn't sure how to respond.

He had been creating a story within his mind that some of his actions and inactions were fails. And those fails meant he was a failure. And because he was a failure there was little hope for him or his future. What a terrible story! 

When I began questioning him about the value of failing, things changed. Can there be success without failure? Does a failed attempt at something mean a person is a failure? What even constitutes failure? What if the word failed was changed to learning opportunity? What if we knew that after 200 fails, incredible success would occur--wouldn't we get busy failing? 

I have had times as a mother when I felt like a failure. During those times I created a story in my mind that my actions and/or lack of action in some way meant I was falling short. The story grew so large as my brain kept finding small pieces of evidence it was true that I was sure I had to be one of the worst moms ever. I look back now and realize how silly and wrong I was! 

A fail does not mean I'm a failure. A fail means I am learning. It means I am trying. It means I am in the trenches where I have the opportunity to win. And some days I do win. But the days I don't aren't evidence I'm a failure. They are just evidence I'm still learning. 

Failure is a vital part of growth and success. Failure is inevitable. Failure is proof we are trying. So, if you've failed lately, way to go! 

And if you feel you are failing too often and too much, give yourself grace and keep trying.

You got this!

There are a lot of words to describe women on Mother's Day, but typically "happy" isn't the one most moms admit most accurately fits the bill. A more common one?

Guilty.

Why? Because women can't help but operate under the assumption they should be measuring up to some arbitrary standard that is nearly perfect, one they subconsciously claim other mothers obtain but that seems unreachable for themselves.

Of course this "perfect mother" doesn't actually exist except in our minds, but boy, does she wreak havoc in our lives! We are certain she is real, and we convince ourselves we will never measure up to her. We also like to tell ourselves that most other women do. We are smart enough to know sensibly this isn't true, but we allow our primitive brains to take over and weave all kinds of stories about how "everyone we know" is better at "everything" than we are. 

When Mother's Day rolls around, we'd rather fake sick, pull the covers over our heads, and cry into our pillows all day long than to face our children or our spouses and hear the singsong chant, "Happy Mother's Day," while we collect handmade cards and look into innocent faces that have no idea how much we want to be happy. But we aren't. 

And yet we should be! We have every reason in the world to be elated about motherhood and this day that celebrates us. After all, it's not easy to be a mom. And reality is, our children do adore us, imperfections and all (yep, even our teenagers). 

Can you imagine how wonderful it would feel to wake up on Mother's Day, stretch and yawn and then smile your biggest smile because this is the day that celebrates you and your sacred role as mother? No guilt. No shame. No thoughts about not measuring up. No comparisons with other mothers. No painful reminders about things your mother-in-law may have hinted you should change. No overwhelm. Just sheer satisfaction, contentment, and joy. 

Because you are rocking it! 

You are being you, my friend. You are being the perfect mom, the only mom, you can be for your kids. And that is amazing! What does that mom look like? What does she sound like? What does she smell like? What does she do? You get to decide! Isn't that incredible? 

Does she play with her kids? Does she take time for herself? Does she say sorry when she makes a mistake? Does she google things she doesn't know? Does she laugh at herself? Is she a questioner, a lifelong learner, a seeker of truth? Is she compassionate yet firm? Does she know how to listen, really listen, when her kids need to talk? Is she a late-nigher, an early-morninger? Does she love to cook, to garden, to exercise, to run? Is she more of a snacker, a home body, a yoga girl, and a go-at-my-own-pace kind of lady? 

There is no right or wrong answer to these questions. They are just descriptions, and they don't mean anything. Unless we make them mean something. And if we realize there is one of them we want to change, we can! Not to please someone else, or try to be like someone else, but because we like who we are when we make this change. It feels good! It feels like we are getting closer to being an even better mom than we already are. 

So this Mother's Day, I challenge you to love every minute. Focus on the good you are doing. Live in gratitude for the opportunity you have to be a mother. Enjoy your children. Soak up this day that is so beautifully yours. Just remember you are amazing right now today, and . . . 

You got this!

If you are enjoying the Life--Messy but Perfect blog and would like to hear more from Lori, visit her website at www.loriconger.com where you can sign up for personal coaching and group coaching, too. Thanks for being here!

When was the last time you thought, My kids are so lucky! I'm the perfect mom! 

If it's been a while (or never), why? 

I know what you're thinking. One--it's not nice to brag. And two--I would never say I'm a perfect mom! Am I right? Well, guess what? 

Sometimes it is good to brag. Just a little. Or if you don't like the word brag, how about being willing to give yourself a little credit? Bragging gets a bad rap, and maybe it should, but on the other hand, maybe we need to brag just a little bit more. Not in a "I'm better than everyone else" kind of way, but maybe in a "I'm getting this and it sure feels good" kind of way. 

Now to that word--perfect. Are you now, or have you ever been, a perfectionist about something? I have! Man alive, I was determined to keep a perfect home and have perfect children. Ha! This, of course, meant I had to be the perfect mother. Oh boy! Talk about a miserable way to live. I could not come close to maintaining my standards, and it was discouraging. Motherhood was not very fun during those days.

Then I learned a secret. 

I didn't have to try to be perfect. I already was! 

What?? 

It's true! I was already a perfect mom for my kids. They didn't actually need a perfect woman who never made mistakes and always had an immaculate home. Goodness, no! That's the last thing they needed, or even wanted. They just needed good old me. Flaws and all. Mistakes by the hundreds. Poor posture, missing toenails (now that's a story you have to hear!), messy bun hair daily, emotional, over zealous, one dinner/week (on a good week) ME. 

That's it. 

I couldn't be a more imperfect mother. And yet . . .

I couldn't be more perfect! And I'm so happy about it! I adore my kids, and you know what? I think they adore me. Sure, they get frustrated with me at times and want to pinch my face off, but they know how genuinely I love them. They know I am trying so hard to train and teach and lead and mentor and love them into the most beautiful humans they could possibly become. They know I'm their biggest cheerleader and someone they can talk to about anything. They know I am willing to show them the way forward and have their backs at the same time. 

I'm not perfect at any of these things. Of course not! But I try. Oh, how I try! 

And that is why my imperfect mothering is oh, so perfect! 

And so is yours! 

You got this!